Not everyone begins the new year in a good tone, and I’m learning it the hard way.

I never thought I was going to blog this frequently already. But this was something that my heart wanted to pour out so much that I felt a greater need of writing this here than on my class Whatsapp group.

The start of the year would always remind me that I have two more months to summer vacation and that would mean meeting everybody I love back at home. Except for this time, I won’t meet one of them.

A very close friend of mine passed away on January 4, 2018, at 2:18 am IST. It would be an understatement to say that it was devastating.

I literally grew up with him and some 50 others. We lived in the same community, went to the same school, and met almost every other time in the day. It’s a relatively small batch of students for a school, which is why we’re all so close. Funny thing is, that his death is bringing us closer than before.

Maybe it’s a ‘dude thing’ to not break down immediately and cry. But there’s a great hollow inside the chest that no one will understand. Flashbacks appear in front of my eyes, and soon enough, it’s a blur because I won’t realize that I’m crying. It’s as if I’m always crying, but most of it is inside. My lungs feel heavy sometimes. Sometimes I just want to lie down but can’t sleep.

I type this with great strength and precision because my keyboard is wet.

Tears flow out without warning sometimes and sometimes I’m just still. Soon enough, another close friend comes to mind and a 2-minute telephone conversation feels comforting.

To know that you won’t get to see someone again for the rest of your life is not a good feeling to carry around. No, I never took him for granted. But it always happens that once someone’s gone, you’ll definitely feel that they mean way more than before.

At times like this, we seek our loved ones. People living halfway around the world are video calling and friends are cancelling everything on their schedule to take the next train or a flight to come to that one place to catch up and share bittersweet memories.

I don’t know how to put it in another way, but I don’t need another death to realize all this.

A young soul is no more. He never knew maturity. He wasn’t mature physically or mentally. He never knew when’s the right time to say something but now I wish he was here to ruin the bad mood by saying something totally (in)appropriate. I’m glad that he spent his last few days with some of our batchmates. The remaining 49 or so are now reaching out for one another more than before. We are taking greater care of ourselves and each other so that we meet again. Though, the next time we meet, the smile will mean a little different than before, because, behind it, we’ll always have him in our minds.

We appreciate each other more now. People who never ever said it, now say how much they love all of us. Our love for him adds on to our love for each other. Somehow we’ll let each other know that this too shall pass.

(Thanks, Adul. This drawing means a lot. (Instagram - adul_shamshir))

“… and I’ll tell you all about it when I see you again.”

To Harish. So long, dear mate.